Independent Dependence

THE IMPORTANCE OF DEPENDENCE

In life, being able to 'do what we mean and mean what we do', is an essential component of our ethical group set, – the self-defining moral principles from whence we base our notions of right conduct

Punctuality and acknowledgement of it's power to conform, lays the foundation for our core principles – because it serves so well as a marker for self-managed integrity. However, being on time, shouldn't be the sole focus in our 'do-right' rule book.

A Reason For Doing Right

Being in a set place and at a predetermined time when we say we will be there – all activated through thought processes with the rationale to take the appropriate action – sits shallowly within the many complex layers forming our 'higher' active/reactive thought processes. Just as a simple alarm clock merely ticks, the process of setting a time to adhere to, is simply the basic action leading up to the formative moment.

Residing deeper within our core, is the superior intelligence and defining characteristics for making us dependable beings. At the heart of this place, we have courage and honour sitting side by side and interweaving the concept of what actually defines being reliable. It's not just the fact of being punctual, but the reasons for doing the right thing, that are of key importance. For, if one can be depended upon to turn up, even if, unexpectedly, against the odds or at times most forgivably, off schedule or running late – then, we have a 'golden' measure of character.

As clunky, quirky, off-kilter and unconventional beings go, the person who never lets you down – albeit maybe not always around as scheduled, but there when most needed – these are the people to be counted on one hand as your friends. And if we are really lucky, these are the life's co-pilots we all seek and should aim for being ourselves.

Purposeful Punctuality

COMMITTING TO TIME

Punctuality is commitment and self-discipline combined. It's a key indicator for measuring our awareness of time, will to act on decisions and reliability to deliver. Saying what we mean and doing what we say, are the basic elements required to live a true and purposeful life.

Time commitment is our master – commanded from, delivered to and received through the medium of punctuality – self-mastery in a mirrored form. In this regard, we should trust punctuality as a positive attribute to follow and adhere to. The affirmations we receive, after committing to a set time, should be based on our integrity of thought. It encourages mindfulness and consideration. When we agree to a time, we make a conscious choice first and foremost – a shared statement and agreement within ourselves before we agree with others.

So, how important is punctuality – for how can we define a person that is always late...are they not the lowest character type – self-deceiver, an inconsiderate, untrustworthy and unreliable person – a liar to each and all?

“Punctuality is not about being on time — it is basically about respecting your own commitments.”

Changing the way we perform, removing bad habits and replacing damaging behaviours with new beneficial ones, all stem from within. We are the masters of our own universe. We are the ones making the decisions. We are the ones getting up early in the morning, choosing what to eat, carrying out an exercise routine and planning out our day. We are also the reasons we fail, more often than not, by ignoring this very basic, but powerful indicator of time commitment, where honesty and integrity are expressed in their rawest configuration – Punctuality.

Determination

PUSHING FOR THE TOP

Determination is a cemented intention, a direction of choice and wilful decision, which gives us our purpose to achieve goals, even when the odds are stacked against us. Developing a strength of character, awarded and further strengthened through our taking the tougher, less travelled routes through life, will ensure we hold fast to our vision of success.

The Stubborn Mule
Making our minds up to embark on a journey, is the first step towards achievement. We can all take on greater challenges to push ourselves on towards lofty heights. And staying true to a tightly held belief or opinion, can come to mean many things to different people, depending on the individual and from where they are standing.

Following our chosen path can be honourable or it can also be foolish. For when our steely resolve to act on a decision, affects our wellbeing or those we hold dear, this grasping of an idea, with no clear benefit to ourselves or to those around us – transforms our determination into a stubbornness to relent. 

To avoid being stubborn for the sake of a mis-understood goal, we must be wary of the how, why and where an idea has originated from. For our beliefs in an idea, may have been planted or based upon another's set of ideals. Defending an ideology without first identifying the validity of the concept and from whence the roots were planted in our minds, is something we all need to be more mindful of when enforcing our wilful determination.

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”  – Steve Jobs

A Cause And Effect
We all have the power of choice – to do or not to do. We can question what it is to make both right and/or wrong decisions. The affect we have on others, is within our power to decide. We choose to act on or we are acted upon – it's something we can predetermine through careful, considered thought or allow to reactively occur in the moment.

Being conscious of our choices, is a step towards making the better decisions, for both our personal and mutual gains. The only way we can really make these decisions properly, is to start from a place of mindfulness. This means, we have to set an intention for the day, defining a clear focus on the way we'd like to approach the coming period of wakefulness and how we choose to act upon it. This can originate from the moment we wake or better still, set in motion from the quiet period before we go to sleep. It's in this period between falling to sleep and wakefulness, that our superior inner intelligence goes to work. We act on this subconscious reasoning the moment we emerge from our slumber and it becomes our base, our gut-felt intuition, which guides correct decision making throughout the day.

Making good, mindful decisions is very hard to do when we are absent minded. Unfortunately, it appears we are all being distracted in increasing ways, which are further contributing to a world mindset, whereby the clearly wrong decisions are being made over and over – even when the information presented in front of our eyes, is steering us to consider the alternatives. This lack of focus is what is contributing to a general malaise and it can be said that our increasingly poor decisions are collectively defining our current status quo and altering the minds of our future generations. How can we be so misguidedly determined in decision making?

Creating A Determined Mindset
In order to halt poor decisions from manifesting, we need to create space in our minds. This means some preparation is required for obtaining the right mindset. Bad decisions come from being absent in the process of thinking and this will stem from having poor sleep, making rushed or lazy decisions on the fly, possibly influenced by having a dulled brain. A combination of poor nutrition, ingesting intoxicants or through the very environment we inhibit – frenetic, loud distractions and information streams being channelled through subversive influences, contribute towards thoughtlessness. We need to create a new, productive and conducive environment from which to originate our intentions.

The nest step is to assess the mind-state and what we wish to achieve in this condition. There are times when our energy can be better used. First thing in the morning is when many are at their best. Acting on determination when the energy levels are diminished, is mostly counter-productive because we're so easily affected by the environment and its influences considerably more than we can control when lacking in energy.

Defining Thoughts
The very concept of determination not only depends upon a clear objective to act out, but on having the power of mind, stemming from a strength of character, which is built up through the ongoing evaluation of one's integrity, the application of continued self-discipline and complete honesty when disclosing the findings. Without the energy and preparations to act on intelligent, rational and considered thought, the determination to achieve, has no foundations to work from. Simply put – these qualities will stem from within us and all it takes, are our choices which we ultimately have control over, to help facilitate the change.

Task Of Toughness

STEPPING UP TO THE TASK  

When there's an arduous task ahead and a real need for us to step up our game to tackle it head-on, the fear of the task often becomes more of an obstacle to taking action than performing the actual task itself. 

We tend to dwell on the idea of the task itself, the potential discomfort and the time frame we will likely have to endure this feeling, rather than focus on the mechanics and tools we’ll require to accomplish our goal.

In the past, when my training for a long-distance run or cycle ride has been lacking, I’ve learned the hard way how to accomplish a tough task. I've had to endure discomfort. Fortunately, it taught me that no matter how tough the perceived task seemed before or felt during, the end result was always the same – I achieved the goal. 

And despite the perceived toughness of the situation being confirmed throughout the ongoing hardship – fully realised throughout the entire experience – the ending always, very strangely, results with an almost instant feeling of elation. What’s more, within a considerably short time frame, the memories of the discomfort fade out, to be replaced by the more pleasant memories of the task. What this means is that we essentially focus on the rewards when creating memories and blank out the trauma experienced.

Learning The Hard Way
In 2012, I took on a very tough physical challenge called the Raid Alpine. For me, coupled with my lack of training and lack of fitness generally, plus having recently come through a bout of shingles, the 6-day Alpine Raid, became an arduous task of epic proportions. Blistering 40° heat, gruelling hour-long climbs and 8-10 hour days in the saddle, meant that I was suffering for a lot of the time on this challenge. 

The first day highlighted my lack of tools for the job, like a slap of reality. Very early on, I realised that I had poor stamina, finding even the lower-grade hills taxing. I was last by a long shot, arriving at the hotel that night. I really was not looking forward to day two. The second day was, of course, more of the same, except there were no surprises this time, as I knew what was in store for the following ride. The prospect of going through it again, filled me with dread but the ride on that second day wasn't as bad as I'd actually thought it would be. However, the thought of doing double the distance and time again for the next four days, made me feel anxious. Although supremely knackered, I struggled to sleep that second night. Fortunately, day three went a lot quicker – I managed to adapt by zoning out of the thoughts that were flashing through my mind. The berating inner voice, chiding me for taking on the task without the proper training and with such low fitness, was subdued.

I distinctly recall reaching the half halfway mark at the end of day three and it being a turning point psychologically. Day four was our toughest day of the tour, with Col La Bonnette (Europe's highest mountain pass), featuring mid-way through the day. There were many cyclists attempting this one climb as a charity event and I recall being cheered on by the supporters near the top and thinking, this is merely the third of seven cols we had to complete that day! This was the fourth day doing this and I took comfort in reminding myself that we were approaching the 2/3 marker. 

Each day on the tour became a mix of dread and understanding, to the point where, around midway through the trip, I'd already accepted my fate, acknowledged what needed to be done to reach the end and knew I had what it took to get there. By the fifth day, I’d managed to stay up with the pack and was even looking forward to the last day’s ride. In a short time, I'd become used to the discomfort and overcome a lot of the mental torment. I knew that I'd be uncomfortable for a period of time and the end would come.

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.” – Mark Twain

I learned a lot about myself on that trip – likely, due to my poor fitness, a lot more than my super-fit bike mates did about determination. I now use this trip as a marker for what can be accomplished and for overcoming the mental barriers that crop up. Nothing has come anywhere close since. Each minute, hour or day was a measure against the one before and the accumulation of days meant I had six days of discomfort to measure against one. I therefore became used to the discomfort and it stopped being a problem any more. 

It's natural for us to veer towards comfort and being happy. Getting used to something that would be uncomfortable at first, will make it acceptable. By no means am I anywhere close to a place, where some extreme adventurers and athletes have taken themselves. Nor am I overcoming obstacles like some people with disabilities do on a daily basis, but relatively, I believe my realisation of the task to be endured and the sustained period experienced it in, have given me a tougher resolve. I feel greatly rewarded by what this relatively short duration of discomfort has provided me, a mental toughness for taking on challenges that others would not even try.

Start Tough – Stay Tough

Getting used to doing something arduous and uncomfortable, when there are easier ways of not doing it, this we call toughing it out. 

Anything worth trying for, worth putting the effort in, is worth doing, in anyone's book. And if it's something that many will want to have, but limited supplies/spaces are available, it'll be tougher to obtain with so much competition at stake. Therefore, we need to toughen ourselves up, purely to deal with getting what we want and dealing with the things that everyday life throws at us.

To keep ourselves from succumbing to an easier and more comfortable default, there's something that we should gift ourselves every single day, preferably at the very start of it – a shock of discomfort. Doing something like a tough physical challenge and learning how to overcome the mind's chatter while enduring the challenge, will help us to stay calm, react better in stressful situations using a rational mind, encourage mindfulness, and deeper thinking and help us express compassion towards others.

Commited Commitment

STAYING THE COURSE

We're all capable of so much more than we realise. And through an ongoing and continued program of dedicated effort, able to accomplish great feats of endurance by building mental & physical strength to attain desired goals. 

Unfortunately, what we lack, is the will and determination to continue on a dedicated program to arrive at our destination. In this sense, we can say that we lack, is the commitment. 

Committing to something implies that we are keeping an obligation with ourselves to complete a task. We are removing the freedom of action which we ourselves govern. We are the jailer and the jailed all in one. And that's how many of us see the roles – especially when we're restricting ourselves in some way or taking on a particularly tough challenge where there are easier ways out instead. Keeping to the plan, staying on track and doing what we've set out to do, all take strong will and a mental toughness. This we call self-discipline. 

Staying Disciplined

Self-discipline is very difficult to manage because we only have to keep on top of one other entity and that is of course ourselves. Being a manager and worker embodied in one, divides us into two. Therefore, we are diminished, hence why it takes a stronger resolve. We're having to work twice as hard on both sides and this can be draining – to the point where if any other influencers enter the fray, we are already battling against our other half and so, with the additional parties having collective powers on top of that, we fail time after time. That's why we need some leverage.

When I first made the decision to get out of bed at 5am every morning, in the freezing cold, I had to find some way of committing to my January pledge and for staying the course over 365 consecutive days. I needed strength of will, self-discipline, dedication and some way of sustaining this regime over a very long period of time, where my full commitment was required every single day. 

I managed to push through the first week of adjusting to chilly 5am starts and the first month was a real milestone too. But for the longer term, I accomplished this feat of completing 365 days of writing by getting more people on my side. I essentially found a way to have the weight of the world on my back! I'd pledged to contribute an insightful diary piece every day – it was there on my blog to see. By putting my daily thoughts up on the internet for all to see and judge, regardless if anybody was reading my posts, I felt that I'd be letting myself down and the whole world would be watching! There was nowhere to hide and I'd be held up for a fraud, liar and a letdown if I didn't deliver...

Maintaining Integrity

Lying to ourselves are the worst kind of lies. But we all do it and we do it a lot. Women tend to lie more apparently, but usually to protect another's feelings, whereas men tend to lie in order to boost their self-image and confidence. Sometimes they are little white lies (we don't really see our tired and ageing faces in the mirror as they are), sometimes the lies are much bigger – to protect ourselves from harm. We are mostly unconscious of these lies and the deceit runs deep. 

Regular conversation pleasantries, voiced when we don't mean them, are mostly harmless and help us get about our days. They fly from our mouths without being properly considered and they are gone from people's minds in an instant. We can backtrack, alter the meaning or deceive ourselves and others about what was really said. But when we lie to other people and there's clearly documented evidence of the lie – that's when we begin to face up to the truth. Lying to ourselves in this way, really becomes apparent when we address the potential lies every single day – which is what I had to do. 

Being committed to a cause, by staying the course and therefore retaining our integrity, are all character-defining traits we can strengthen through repeated practice. 

The next episode in this chapter is about how we manage to cope even when the challenges we face are so hard – it's centred around what it takes to achieve toughness. 

Mindfulness And Meditation

ENGAGING YOUR MIND

Our mind is our universe. Our very existence comes from the thoughts and outward projections of those thoughts, realised through our senses.

We are conscious beings and all outside influences will register, either picked up in our subconsciousness or consciously aware minds, as will the effects from those influences, be received through our nervous system and become internal influences on our mindset.

Without our five known senses, we would still be conscious, but without experiences, we'd be without a basis to measure reality against. Therefore, it must follow that anything picked up through the senses, ultimately becomes our reality. In this sense, reality is dependent on the sensory input we receive and because this is a constant stream of input, our minds can be wildly fickle. We can feel down, unhappy or afraid one instant and in the next, upbeat, happy and carefree. Our emotional influencers are going to sway our mindset and because our minds themselves are powerful influencers in determining outcomes, we need to be mindful of being in the right mindset if we want to have positive and beneficial ones.

We can be led by mindset if we allow this to happen. Frustrated, impatient and lazy decision-making, stemming from tiredness, hunger or elevated stress etc. – these mind states can be sustained for elongated periods of time to continuously feed and keep within the same frame of mind.

Mindful moments can occur early in the morning when the rest of our mind is still in a state of wakefulness. These clear mindsets are when we 'port' our inner intuitive and reflective thinking. Ideas and desires will come to the fore, unobstructed by the usual clutter of our awakened busy minds and the constant stream of distractions from sensory influences which contribute to this stream.

Systems Access

If we are able to access the inner workings of the mind, identify and repair damaged thought pathways and recognise that it's thoughts influencing mindset - we can understand that the thoughts are not what actually defines us. 

Meditation can be our system analysis tool for better accessing the internal workings of our minds. If we can give ourselves just a few quiet moments every day - preferably in the morning for setting up our day, quiet time in the afternoon for mid-day evaluation and some reflective moments in the evening for contemplation - we can monitor/adjust our minds through a process of actioning the required measures for attaining desired mind-states.

In simpler terms - we can keep an eye on things before they manifest into problems with serious consequences. 

There's a saying which goes something like this: 'Everyone who has a bit of free time available to them, should give at least 10 minutes a day for meditation and everyone else who's too busy, should dedicate at least an hour.' 

We all need to monitor our feelings and for some people, this is a very difficult task to do. Men are particularly prone to cover up their feelings, potentially through societal pressures to 'man up'. This usually stems from a premature period in adolescence and can be hardened through early 20's right through and beyond 40+. Over time, the effects of repressing emotions, can lead to depression which has even become unrecognised by the individual experiencing it. Meditation gives us direct access to the inner streams of information coming from the mind and through our senses. Observing this flow, helps us identify with emotions and counter the berating voices that can not only create anxiety but also destroy our self-worth. 

So much self-improvement can be achieved over a very short space of time, from investing as little as six minutes per day for meditation. 

Being able to access the inner workings of the mind in this way, can help us to understand reactive actions, change our approach to be more proactive and live a more mindful and therefore, purposeful life. 

Self Awareness

SELF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I can vividly remember the first time when I became self-aware. It wasn't my first strong memory from childhood, which was actually when I fell down the stairs at barely three years old. It was the first moment I really became aware of myself and being able to address myself from a 'wider third-person' perspective. The memory was not triggered by shock, pain or etched into my memory through other sensory experiences. The moment when it happened, was not framed by anything particularly significant. I was 6 1/2 years old, facing the full-length bathroom mirror and this was where I recall looking into my eyes and expressing out loud, how I was never going to forget being in this moment. My 2 1/2 year old brother was next to me at the time and I encouraged him to try and do the same by looking into his own reflection. I wanted to freeze time. I was trying to connect myself to the future and can still see my young face addressing me now. The vision is so strong that I can transport myself back to that moment in time.

Sure, there'd been other moments for reflection over the last 30+ years of my life, but nothing has really come close to that first experience. Never had I faced myself since (or anyone else for that matter), with such an openness of mind – an innocence and honesty, that children have. Not once had I really checked myself in the mirror or delved so critically into who or what I was – not until the end of 2014. That's when I made a firm decision to take back control of my life.

Self Analysis
How often in our lives, do we take the time to analyse our thoughts, actions, habits and behaviours? How much time do we invest in getting to know what makes us tick? Why is it that our nearest and dearest, profess to know us better than we know ourselves? We are the best-placed person to know ourselves – yet many of us are absent from the job, trundling along through life with no pilot and no course set. 

We're lost. And if we've lost track of who we are, how can we get the necessary time to delve into our inner workings so we can wrestle back control and once again take the helm of this vessel?

If you've read up on how we deceive ourselves, you'll already appreciate that getting to know our true selves is no easy task. It takes a lot of perseverance, just to scratch the surface of who we are and why we do the things we do. That's why some people will pay for a specialist, to help us 'see' ourselves more clearly. I believe these specialists do a good job of aiding those who are really lost and I respect their work. However, they have taken the time to educate themselves – likely, because they intend to know what makes themselves tick in the first place. There's nothing stopping you and me from reading up on psychology and learning these same skills they have. Arguably, you will need the desire to actually want to do this and you will need the time. Both of these will come if the determination to face ourselves is strong enough.

In order to detach ourselves from self and observe at the same time, we need a certain mind-state. Our ego needs to be removed and the quieter side of our minds – the intuitive, creative and muted right hemisphere, needs the clarity of thought to bring the evidence of our being out into the light. From here we can truly see and try to understand ourselves from a rational viewpoint. But to get past the guards at the gatehouse of our egos – we need to get a 'jump' on ourselves...

The 5am Club
I actually have Gavin Gillibrand at Ultimate City Fitness and not Robin Sharma, to thank for this valuable tool. I'd been having some 1-to-1 fitness training sessions with Gavin, to try and get my physique back in shape after some injuries, further aggravated by stress, which had caused me to stop training. My physical inactivity, compounded by months of working long pressurised hours, further impacted by poor sleep and too much alcohol, had caused some weight gain. I was feeling low in energy and generally out of sorts.

Our sessions were an intense 30 minutes long. We discussed life in general, but improving one's overall wellbeing, and ways to achieve success, was our main topic. Gavin not only motivated me to train hard but also gave me the inspiration which was to propel me forward on a new life path. The 5am club really was my wake-up call. It was the 23rd of October, 2014.

Getting On The Wagon
A couple of years earlier, I'd been focussing on getting myself up, to train before work, because I'd recognised the benefits of utilising time available in the mornings. But it had been fairly sporadic and only really adhered to on a Tuesday and a Friday with any regularity. This schedule had been set up to allow for much-needed lie-ins on a Monday after a boozy weekend. The early Friday training session, was implemented as a way to curb any Thursday night drinking which could then potentially help curb the Friday night and weekend shenanigans too. It was clear I'd been wanting to make changes in my life for some time but hadn't fully committed. It was only after the suicides of my work colleagues in December 2014, that I made the decision to commit both to a period of abstinence and to early mornings. The two needed to run concurrently if there was to be any chance of success.

Solitude
Being on your own, for sustained chunks of time, is something many can't face. For those who yearn for peace, the idea of complete solitude is often better than the reality. I'd once considered applying for the role of manning a weather station in one of the remote north Canadian territories over a three-and-a-half month winter season, where you are completely cut off from civilisation. The role required psychological testing for applicants and with good reason too. Being left alone with our own thoughts for too long, can drive us a little nuts. Being mindfully aware of ourselves through group meditation, even just for short periods, with no outlet from our inner minds, can also have adverse effects, especially on those who have suffered trauma in their lives.

Alone With A Very Personal Assistant
Waking early on your own can be a lonely place, so bringing a PA along to help with the self-analysis will help. That PA is you. Just bring along the tools to write whatever comes into your head, where it can be channelled onto an actual or virtual sheet of paper. Be prepared in advance, so you can start immediately. The mind should be blank – well at least, the part of your mind that makes a lot of the decisions throughout your day, will still be half asleep. Don't try to find the words, your mind will do what it needs to do. The words will flow from your subconscious.

The Day OF Revelation
On the 1st of January 2015, I had no idea what I was going to achieve from this exercise, but I had made a decision and I had stuck to it. I sat alone in the cold, dark January pre-dawn, with my fingers hovering over the keys of my computer and just let the words flow out of me. What came through on that day, has progressed my self-development ever since. Facing an empty page or screen at 5am, with the mind completely quiet, has opened a portal into my mind, from which has flowed thoughts I've since been able to analyse in an objective way. 

Through this process, I'd found a way to communicate with my other self – the quieter, honest and in many ways, better self. I hadn't really understood why this exercise was going to be so powerful on a conscious level, but looking back now, I can now see where the knowledge for achieving this result, had been there all along. I'd just not had the will to fully action what was required. I'd been distracted for so long. I believe we all know what to do. Yes, deep down – you know, you know – but you cannot act.

Life Is A Paradox
We cannot easily observe our life as we live it. On a quantum level, look at the double-slit experiment and the outcomes from wave-duality theory as a case in point for understanding the universe. Becoming the observer will change what is being observed. 

I first stumbled upon this phenomenon and other quantum mechanics theories whilst watching a BBC Horizon documentary in 2012 entitled: 'What is reality?'. Reality is subjective. Life is a mystery and delving into our own versions of reality can throw up some hard-to-take realisations about life in general. Being self-aware is our first step into taking control of the only thing we can have an influence on - ourselves. Self-awareness in itself is a valuable tool for making better progress in life, but without some dedication for achieving this state of mind and without the determination to action what we learn every day, self-awareness merely becomes a fleeting moment from our past.

Self Psychology

A PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE

Psychology is the scientific study of our mental processes and behaviours. Understanding a basic level of psychology can award us an advantage in life. Understanding the behaviours of other people will be key for personal and business relationships and understanding our own minds will identify our strengths, weaknesses, preferences and where we can improve or undo negative behaviour patterns.

When I first started looking at the basics of Psychology, I quickly realised that if science was able to rationalise our behaviour, then applying these intellectual ideas to my own processes could greatly help to justify my thoughts and actions in a more subjective way. And so it follows, that learning these workings of the brain will give us greater potential for understanding the requirements for living out purposeful, happy lives. 

We Are All Representatives

We are led by our unconscious minds. The person each and every one of us thinks we are, is just a tiny percentage of our whole being. In Freud's terms, our Ego — the part of our mind responsible for managing the Id and Super Ego — effectively the former desire-driven subconscious and the latter, moral sentinel, is actually just a 'front of house' representative. This part of us is our face on the world and when working effectively,  keeps us from making mistakes which will cause us to fall from favour in our relationships and potentially become ostracised by the wider community and society. 

The effectiveness of the Ego as an ambassador, is something we develop through childhood and is strengthened throughout early adolescence into adulthood. Erik Erikson defined a theory of psychosocial development consisting of eight stages. His theory focuses on the continued growth of an individual's personality throughout their lives and the success or failure at each stage for acquiring character strengths for establishing a greater sense of self. Without the right teachers and environment to hone our character or diplomatic skills in, the Ego will make poor judgement decisions on our behalf which take us further away from our path of true potential. We have to continue evolving through each stage of development. Once we reach our mid-20s, some of the Ego's core functions can already be hard-set and in many cases, could carry us along for years without being put into question. It's this 'frozen' state of immaturity that can lead to a crisis in our lives.

Our constant need to fit in will drive us to make key decisions. Many outcomes are governed by the people around us and this requirement to 'stay in line' can offer us benefits. However, societal requirements for conformity can be in direct opposition to our desires and can result in feelings of shame, guilt and self-depreciation. If desires are constantly unmet, this can further lead to anxiety, tension and potentially depression. Therefore, we need to be true to ourselves. There are times when standing up for what we believe is right and learning to know what makes us tick, will give us the tools for when these decisions should be made. Strong minds lead and inspire others — but invariably, they can be seen in the most annoying and difficult people to get on with. Getting the balance right, leads strong minds to greatness.

Through our own continued study and application of the principles of psychology, we can find a balance. There is a lot of free information available for us to be obtained through libraries and absorbed online. Humanistic Psychology helps individuals access and understand their feelings, gain a sense of meaning in their life and reach a level of self-actualisation. There is also help to be found through having discussions with others, either intimately through friends, via recognised groups or with professional therapists. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a talking therapy that helps one to manage their problems by changing thought processes and behaviours. Whichever ways we choose to investigate, depends on the individual, but ultimately it's integral to gain understanding of ourselves for leading healthy lives.

Psychology is a deeply profound science and therefore, can teach us a wealth of insightful information about what makes us tick. It's going to be something that we'll continue delving into on our quest for self-discovery. Understanding the ways our brains function in almost universal ways, will, if we recognise and apply our knowledge to improve upon, gain us an advantage when dealing with tricky people, situations and ultimately our deceptive selves.

BAREFACED LIAR

Everybody lies. This is no great secret. Studies have shown that we do it between 10 and 200 times a day – often unconsciously. So why do we do it? We lie for a multitude of reasons. We may feel the need to protect someone's feelings or to dig us out of an awkward situation — 'white lies' as we call them. Or we may need to lie in order to preserve a relationship, keep us from getting in trouble or even save lives. Whatever the magnitude of the lie, we tend to justify our lying as necessary requirements for the situations we are in and often will have little guilt until shown how our lies can negatively affect another's feelings or damage our reputation.

Many people would like to think they are supremely honest and moral citizens, but that's simply not true. They lie and we lie to ourselves about the fact that we lie. A lot of people will want to believe a lie rather than accept a horrible truth. This is merely an act of self-preservation to avoid hurt – because another main reason for our lies and deceptions is to protect ourselves from harm. This is the Ego at work.

Lies have become more socially acceptable in some corners of society. We all 'bend' the truth to a degree — tell the odd fib about what we've eaten or how much alcohol we've been drinking or to keep the peace. Men will tend to exaggerate more about themselves whereas women will tend to lie more for keeping the peace and defending another's feelings. What we tend to do is make distortions of the truth daily and if we're left unchecked, these lies can become bigger and more elaborate over time. And because we've gotten into a habit for lying so much and so effectively, we become less able at identifying the lies. We become better at hiding the truth from ourselves.

Logic Of Lying

Robert Trivers has dedicated his life's work to understanding why we lie and his book, The Folly of Fools, has been one of the greatest eye-openers for me in getting to know myself a bit better. I highly recommend reading this book, in order that you too may see the scale of the deception and the impossible task we face for staying truthful. Because, although we try to be honest, decent and upstanding citizens, we ultimately have to lie in order to protect ourselves and to make us feel better about ourselves.

The deception runs deep and the best way we can keep track on our lies, is to closely monitor and record ourselves throughout the day and to keep this going every single day with a form of diary. By keeping a diary, we can trace where our deceit has led us over time. There are many theories discovered about how our brains deceive us. Some of the key known examples are highlighted below. Learning and understanding how they affect our thinking or how they can be used against us by those who recognise their manipulative power, will give us a greater advantage in taking control of our own lives and actions.

Irrational But True
It's astounding how so many irrational actions can exist in society and even more amazing, behaviours exhibited by our most studious and seemingly intellectual elite. We are all prone, but there is evidence to suggest that those with the strongest self-belief in their abilities, are the most likely to succumb to the sway of irrational behaviour. When these people are our doctors, judges and leaders, their actions have serious implications for the lives of other people.

Loss Aversion

Loss aversion refers to the tendency for people to strongly prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are over twice as psychologically powerful as gains. Loss aversion was first convincingly demonstrated by Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman. This is where gambling addictions are formed and losses are desperately aimed for with 'doubling down' behaviours.

Value Attribution

Value Attribution. Put simply, Value Attribution describes our tendency to imbue people or objects with certain qualities based on perceived value, rather than on objective data. A great example of this is the experiment run by the Washington Post featuring violinist Joshua Bell where he busked in a tube station. Only one person stopped to listen and appreciate the music, and that was evidently because they recognised the violinist. Children are mostly unaffected by value attribution, so it pays to have a youthful outlook and open mind if we're to avoid falling into this trap.

Diagnosis Bias

Diagnosis Bias refers to the way we unconsciously label people, ideas or objects based on our initial opinions of them and how we struggle to reverse these assumptions once they are in place. Without applying considered assessment, we can essentially blind ourselves to the facts no matter how much evidence contradicts our diagnosis. We hear about examples of diagnosis basis in the medical profession. However, the everyday occurrence of this trait can be summed up with the phrase 'Never judge a book by its cover'. A classic example is how we as drivers, witnessing erratic behaviours in another, label them as poor drivers without knowing why these actions have happened. There may be very good reasons. However, without putting ourselves in another's shoes, we tend to lay blame on these mostly oblivious other persons and because first impressions tend to stick, they unfairly retain the label they've been given.

Emotional Response

Conditioned emotional response is a reaction to feelings that we've been conditioned with. Pavlov's Dog was trained to associate food with the sound of a bell. On ringing the bell, the dog would begin to salivate without there being any food present. In humans, we make similar conscious or unconscious associations which have psychological implications we may or may not be aware of, precipitating actions or behavioural responses. Our conditioning through the early stages of childhood, can trigger emotional responses much later in adulthood. Sensory associations and perceptions based on strong historical conditioning - ie. fear of repeating painful experiences, help us avoid dangerous environments and situations but can also be detrimental to our personal growth.

Know Your Type
To gain an understanding of why we are the way we are and to realise that we are a particular 'type' with certain recognised preferences that mould us, we can take tests which, although not completely and definitely accurate (we are all so complex and unique), can give us a steer on our behaviours and identify our triggers in stressful situations.

Left/Right Brain Type
According to studies discussed again by Robert Trivers, the ideal position for everyone to operate from, in terms of brain function, is somewhere near the middle. The left hemisphere of the brain is associated more with organised, systematic thinking, whereas the right hemisphere is connected to creativity and intuition. The left is our talking brain and the right, is the quiet, contemplative side. It's been shown in individuals where the bundles of nerves (Corpus callosum), facilitating communication between the two halves, have been damaged, that some functions of the brain have been acting independently from one another. So it follows that we are capable of having at least two different sides to our personality. Taking a test to determine which side of the brain is more dominant, can help to understand where certain behaviours are more prominent and times when our different hemispheres are 'speaking up' when maybe they should be quietly considering instead. It's fascinating to read about the mind and there are some great books on the subject. Oliver Sacks dedicated his life's work to understanding the workings of the mind and many of his books are worth reading for greater insight into our own minds.

Personality Types

Type A and Type B personalities can be readily defined by their actions, recognised through job titles and identified by body shape in some cases. Type A personalities tend to be on the go all the time. They are the 'doers'. Competitive and ambitious, they tend to push themselves both mentally and physically to attain desired results. They have high energy, drive and determination, but at times, can appear anxious, especially when timings are concerned and prone to aggressive outbursts as well as stress-related illnesses. Type B personalities on the other hand, are more risk averse – opting to avoid stressful situations, therefore appearing more laid back and contemplative. Quite often they fill managerial roles and positions where reflective thinking and reasoning are prevalent. In appearance, the nervous energy Type active A personalities can be slimmer and more muscular compared to 'softer', relaxed type B's.

There are likely health implications affecting each personality type. For example, it has been shown through studies on heart health, that highly strung and overly stressed Type A's, produce increased levels of catecholamines in their bodies, which inhibits Magnesium absorption and, therefore increases the chances of developing cardiovascular disease. Type B's on the other hand, through generally being more laid back and slower-paced, can, through inactivity, develop weight-related health problems and become deficient in physical aspects. Type B's are said to be wiser than type A's. A common trait in high achieving A's is the fear of failure, which, in the workplace, can offer benefits to type B management. Choosing to solve problems through deeper thinking, before blindly rushing in, can also prove to be beneficial.

Generally, the A-B 'type' references, refer to the learned characteristics of an individual, not necessarily to any deep-seated genetic traits and therefore, in many instances, harmful habits/preferences can be addressed and behaviours improved for overall health, wealth and happiness.

Personality Tests

Myers Briggs tests have been widely used within organisations to profile the personality types most suited to the chosen roles and to complement a team. The tests were developed by Isabel Briggs Myers and her mother Katherine Briggs to define what is believed to be 16 character types. Again with this form of testing, there are cases of extreme types being observed through repeated testing and varying results being received through applying different modes of questioning and at different times of an individual's life and/or mindset. These results are generally quite accurate indicators of a person and can help the individual to understand which situations and people, will bring out the best and worst in themselves. It's a useful tool for being more understanding of others.

There are other tests to consider trying, which can give further insights into our character/personality traits for understanding how we can improve personal/work relations.
Enneagrams are based on ancient teachings and the modern-day version can offer a pretty accurate model of oneself, provided we are open to hearing the good and bad aspects. Much like horoscopes can be interpreted how we choose them to be, these tests are merely a tool for contemplation. In the workplace again, creative roles have been defined through interactive role play assessments, called Creative Creatures and team role assessments defined in the Belbin Team Inventory which has been favoured by human resource teams. All in all, any investigation into the traits that have defined us, either through our experiences, preferences, conditioning or perhaps genetics, should be delved into to uncover how our minds work and what defines who we are and could be.

Further Reading:
Learning to Lie – Bronson, Po. "Learning to Lie." New York Magazine. Feb. 10, 2008. (April 19, 2010)http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
Why We Lie So Much – Harrell, Eben. "Why We Lie So Much." Time. Aug. 19, 2009. (April 19, 2010)
Natural Born Liars – Livingstone Smith, David. "Natural-Born Liars." Scientific American Mind. 2005.
Why We Lie – Lloyd, Robin. "Why We Lie." LiveScience. May 15, 2006. (April 19, 2010
The Truth About Lying – McCarthy, Jenna. "The Truth About Lying." Real Simple. (April 19, 2010)
How Lying Works – Scheve, Tom. "How Lying Works." HowStuffWorks.com. Dec. 9, 2008. (April 19, 2010)

Know Thyself

KNOW THYSELF

The Greek philosophers are once again, my first point of reference on this most important topic. For those wishing to understand more about the values of life, discover a purpose, award meaning to their short existence and forge a path towards greater success, the number one priority for the individual, is the quest for knowing what makes them tick. 

The classic day thinkers delved into what it means to be alive. They dedicated their time to study and in some instances, lost their lives in the pursuit for life's true meaning. If great men have pained and died for this cause, the study of philosophy should surely then be on everyone's personal curriculum.

We are hugely complex creatures and trying to fully understand what makes us act the way we do, has been the focus of many great minds. Kant, Hume, Nietch and Freud — to mention but a few more modern day thinkers — have all tried to decipher human psychology and to fit the jigsaw puzzle pieces of our minds together.

The question of nature versus nurture debate, crops up a lot in the classics and the conversation still continues with as much vigour to this day. We are made up of genetic traits handed down from our previous generations, but each and every one of us has a character built up from our surrounding environment, experience and circumstances. Our parents are key early influencers, our teachers throughout school life, the inspirations for learning and the hard knocks of the playground our wake up to the harsh realities of what really lies ahead. We begin to mature as adults in our early to mid 20's — usually after our first sustained period of regular employment.

We can attribute certain negative character traits to our unfortunate upbringings, but we can't say they are holding us as indefinite prisoners. We all have choices to change and to improve ourselves, if we so desire it. Our minds just need to be reminded of this fact.

It took me a long time to instigate change in my life and because change is an ongoing process, it is taking a lot of focused effort to continue making desired changes and to investigate the possibilities of further change in my own life. Observing other people and offering up suggestions for improvement, is difficult — especially without them also having some knowledge about the psychological factors that hamper our best efforts. Changing ourselves, is arguably the hardest accomplishment of all. We are all up against a very tricky biological mechanism — ourselves.

It was a difficult task to achieve, but once I witnessed/caught myself out for the very first time and truly saw (albeit for a very fleeting instant), how shockingly deceitful I was being to myself, I instantaneously realised how much of a seemingly impossible task I/we have in our hands! We just can't be trusted. The good news, is that there's help on hand to make it possible to limit our deceitful ways and to understand why we act a certain way. We just need to look for them and take action.

There are tests we can carry out, which will help determine where our emotional strengths/weaknesses lie, define what our preferences are for functioning in social situations, detailed results for learning who we work with best (or worse) and teachings on how we can access our inner selves through well-established ancient knowledge, to more fully understand where our self-depreciating/sabotaging demons hide.

Seek & You Shall Find
The following chapters of this book, contain some useful tools, and techniques, plus reference the knowledge and wisdom of others who have strived to achieve greatness in their lifetimes. These ideas have helped me along the path and through continued daily learning, still continue to help me monitor, assess and improve the inner relationship with myself for better-developing relations with others. 

Knowing yourself is the path to self-mastery.

Learning To Live

LEARNING TO LIVE

If you're reading this book, chances are, you have been pondering the same questions I've been asking myself. Namely, the question many also ask themselves — who am I? The question has been pondered before, but never before has so much thought been given to how I've arrived at this point in my life and ended up becoming this person under review.

This point in time has been reached, via many multiple sets of decisions being made. One thing I'm sure of — my own position in the world today was not reached by chance or decided purely by trial and error. There were deliberate decisions made. Some of these decisions were a consequence of the rules instilled in me and (hopefully), preferable behaviours were championed over those less acceptable ones, and have enabled me to function well within society. So, coming up to a mid-life juncture, with evidently a bit of an identity crisis looming, I've really started to ask myself why I've made the decisions I have to have brought me here. And delving deeper into these reasons, if the decisions made were purely based on my evolved learnings — what were the lessons I've learned and how good were the teachers along the way? 

We truly are the sum of all our experiences, so to find some answers, it stands to reason, that we take the results from the identified life lessons. These results should then be analysed, their value measured and by way of a rational mind; have all the below-par results clearly marked out so we can relearn new lessons for gaining some better results at the next opportunity. Because better results bring success. Success comes from purposeful decisions and having reached a successful outcome on purpose — this equates to happiness. 

To get good at something, we need to clock up many hours of quality practice to really make a difference. Malcolm Gladwell's book, Tipping Point is an insightful read for gaining a better understanding of how the recognised luminaries of this world have gotten so far ahead of the pack in their achievements. So, to get on, the message is clear — to be a successful businessman, virtuoso musician or winning sportsman, it's obvious where the time needs to be spent. But, to be successful in life, we can focus on many things that are really quite insignificant and miss out on the seemingly irrelevant, but very important things, which are seemingly overlooked by so many folk. 

We needn't be fixated on trophies and dollars to determine our success — although they are certainly a good tool for boosting one's self-esteem/confidence and potentially useful for bringing more success and money, but, as the saying goes: 'money can't buy happiness' and a medal is merely a mark of achievement from one moment from a time in the past - it may have brought a great sense of happiness once, but it doesn't keep on rewarding us forever.

This Be The Verse

Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn 
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

No matter how great your mum and dad are or how much they try to instil their life's wisdom in you, they will inevitably be impacting your character with their own behaviours, preferences and programmed rules, habits, and foibles - but, thankfully, only to a small degree (according to xxxxxx). Our parents have gone through the same haphazard way of learning that we all go through. They have been influenced by a huge number of societal, environmental, and circumstantial factors and likely, by the time we came along, were in the belief that they had a good enough understanding of life to properly raise us - and if we are lucky, to try and improve on their own parent's efforts for gaining success. But it's very unlikely they will have the know-how, time or resources to create such great human masterpieces on their own, especially with so many other influences going on in their children's lives. It's inevitable that our intricate character takes its shape from the experiences we go through at school and arguably, confidence and how we face up to our fears will become more cemented in our former years. Life's toughest lessons are learned in the playground.

What we choose to learn, and what we focus on - these are our greatest opportunities for creating better versions of ourselves. Unfortunately, the first few years of our lives, are so influential in how well our later selves perform, that there is a lucrative industry of psychologists, counsellors, hypnotists and many other holistic therapies out there to help unlock, tweak and rebuild our damaged psyches. It's nothing short of a miracle that so many of us make old age with sanity, let alone with a marked degree of happiness!

And so, by getting a better understanding of ourselves, by systematically going through a type of self-analysis & diagnosis, we can unpick the knots in our makeup or to use another metaphor, dig down deeper to fix the cracks in the foundations. 

First of all, we need to look at the fundamentals...

Eating, drinking, sleeping and breathing

You'd think these basic functions would be something we've all mastered, right? We all need these basics and we have them from the moment we're born. After years of repeating the same processes on our own, we should be experts - and yet, many of us do not even know how to breathe properly! Sure, we all breathe to live, but do we do it well? When I first started yoga (this word is going to pop up a lot), I was amazed at how something so fundamental and essential to my very existence - literally, right under my nose the whole time, could mean so much more than just breathing. In yoga, it's called Pranayama. It's essentially the same thing - breathing - a process governed by our autonomic nervous system. However, I'd taken it for granted all this time and failed to recognise its supreme importance for making a significant difference in so many areas of my life. 

Observing the breath and giving greater focus to it, can help to calm the mind, heal the body and invigorate our energy systems. The very act of breathing, can influence mood, focus and mind state. The way we physically inhale/exhale, can trigger receptors in our bodies that moderate body temperature, release hormones and activate the different parts of our mind better used for specific things, like language-based tasks (reading/writing/learning), or spatial awareness (sports/movement). Breathing through the mouth or nose, will have both positive and negative effects on our well-being. We should be breathing through our noses for a multitude of health-boosting reasons which are listed at the end of this chapter. And breathing deeply from the belly - something we naturally do as babies, but tend to lose as we age, - strengthens the diaphragm and intercostal muscles, helps rid us of anxiety, and aids with our ability to manage stress, whilst enhancing lung capacity, sports performance, posture and overall vitality. It took 40 years before I was shown how to breathe properly and it's one of the greatest, plus most simple lessons for anyone to learn to do properly!

Sleep

The body needs rest to fix the body. There are different types of sleep but generally, we need restful sleep if we are to feel good, stay healthy and be vital. There are many factors that can inhibit sleep and again, it's been a revelation to learn where I've been going wrong for so many years!

The first thing I addressed, was breathing. I used to wake from sleep, so many times, with a dry mouth, puffy eyes and fuzzy head. It was because my nose was blocked. I'd had a broken nose for a while and with the passageways partly blocked, it meant I'd quickly revert to breathing through my mouth in sports, which meant I'd also revert to breathing through my mouth more often than through the nose at other times too. Receptors in our nose can help the body regulate breathing, by measuring the CO2 levels. This ensures we are taking slower and deeper breaths, helps release sleep hormones and enables us to reach REM or deep sleep quicker. The nostrils are also the air conditioning system which regulates, via erectile tissue in the nose, which passageways to open up more or restrict air and therefore allow the brain to switch into sleep mode. Breathing through the mouth not only allows incorrect levels of Co2 to be measured, but also expels 30% more moisture and also allows bacteria to enter the lungs. Mouth breathing is also the main culprit for snoring. So, having clear passageways in the nose, can have immediate benefits for all to get a good night's sleep. 

There are many reasons why we can have blocked noses. Pollution, dehydration, intolerances/allergies, bacteria/infections and stress, can all be causing symptoms and all can be improved upon. Identifying what could be the cause before considering surgery, is the first step. Non-addictive, natural, saline-based, herbal nasal sprays and regular flushing of the nostrils, can clear up many of the problems, falsely believed to require the surgeon's knife to fix.  

Another factor for bad sleep, can be the bedding. Sheets need to be changed regularly (every 2 weeks), to stop dust mites and other nasties from causing breathing, skin and other problems. Bedding should ideally be made of natural fibres – the same goes for any mattress toppers, or at least non-alergic, high-quality ones. Money should also be invested in good quality mattresses and pillows and replaced when they lose their shape, firmness etc.

Some people are hyper-sensitive to electromagnetic fields and so maybe a poor night's sleep can be avoided if the phone is switched off/on airplane mode. Electric light can also cause problems - especially the harsh blue light waves from our mobile devices. Smartphones now have this night mode feature, which is said to reduce the blue light waves which mess with the circadian rhythms. I suggest not using mobile devices, computers or TVs at all for at least 30 minutes before bed.

What we eat and drink can have a major effect on our sleep. Eating a heavy meal late at night, will definitely cause problems. Avoiding protein-rich meals and opting instead for lighter high-glycemic carb meals, will improve the chances of a good night's sleep. One exception is turkey, which has sleep-inducing tryptophan. Cut out the food & beverages containing sugar, spices, high fat, alcohol and caffeine too.

Happiness

THE QUEST FOR HAPPINESS

The quest for happiness in life is something we all aim for. To be happy, is, according to the Greeks, not a temporary state of being, unrelated to our personal feelings, but more of an objective concept that comes from a completely rational state of mind. There are many philosophical schools of thought proclaiming to hold the definitive answers for exactly what happiness is and one can argue that a collective ethical approach - a moral code that benefits all, is the ultimate good - or a personal code of ethics, is the definitive path to take. I personally believe the latter to be the priority, for in order to benefit the greater good, one must be happy in their own moral conduct first and foremost.

Finding Purpose
We are all interconnected in the subtlest of ways. Our thoughts determine actions, which in turn cause reactions from others, which set off an infinite set of chain reactions.

We can choose how to act, only if we are aware of our mindset. Our intentions can be very powerful forces for creating both positive and negative outcomes. We soul search for meaning and a purpose in life and can become lost in the false belief that we have no reason to be here and no part to play in the greater scale of things. This reasoning can lead to a very low opinion of one's worth and depression quickly follows. But what many people who are questioning their self-worth, fail to realise, is how important they are in the collective role in life. Their paths are being crossed constantly with everything and everyone they come into contact with and their significance is valued in all kinds of intricate ways. If they are only to acknowledge their role, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem to them in their minds eye, they can be convinced of the beneficial role they play. Once they realise how important their influence and how much they impact on the lives of others, they can more clearly see their true value and their purpose in life can be actualised in that instant.

The Ultimate Good
One chain of thought for attaining happiness, is to be the best we can be by following our ethical duties. Our moral compass can help us decide on the right actions to take. Sets of rules have been established over the years which we have adapted into religions, questioned through philosophy and adopted to fit within our societies. Natural laws and human rights codes have determined which actions are for the greater good but it's ultimately our responsibility to act accordingly within our own sets of rules which are based on the best possible outcome for ourselves and/or the majority. I believe there are no definitive rules for making the right choices but by acting from a rational and honest state of mind, it will help us to choose the right course to take.

Philosopher W.D. Ross (1877 - 1971), argues that there are seven prima facie duties which need to be taken into consideration when deciding which duty should be acted upon:

Duty of beneficence - To help others to enjoy life and to grow into better people
Duty of non-maleficence - To avoid harming others
Duty of justice - To ensure people get what is deserving of them
Duty of self-improvement - To make improvements in ourselves
Duty of reparation - To recompense someone if we've acted wrongly
Duty of gratitude - To aid those who have benefited us
Duty of promise-keeping - To act according to explicit and implicit promises and to be honest about our actions

Selfish Worthiness
We cannot be responsible for the actions of others and there are paradoxical instances where there appears to be no right course of action to take. All we can do is to act in the best way possible and know that our rational thoughts for making decisions have been in accordance to our own sets of rules. Even wicked people, left unpunished, can feel guilt when they know to have done wrong. It is up to us to know right from wrong and to try and follow the right path for the ultimate good. Being and feeling good about ourselves, will bring happiness. And so it follows that a life of doing good, will fill us with purpose, and reward us with happiness and a greater sense of self-worth.

The ultimate gift we can award ourselves, is to take on 'selfless' charitable acts. The Delai Lama himself has actually declared that charity is a supremely selfish act — as what is charity but a reward for our soul — a feel-good self-rewarding gesture that ultimately benefits everyone it touches. This is where I want to be frank about my intentions for writing this book. My happiness is paramount and also obtained through donating my time collating these sets of ideas, which are all for the greater good. Therefore, charity, a selfish act for the ultimate good, paradoxically elevates me to be the happiest I can be.

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