Independent Dependence

THE IMPORTANCE OF DEPENDENCE

In life, being able to 'do what we mean and mean what we do', is an essential component of our ethical group set, – the self-defining moral principles from whence we base our notions of right conduct

Punctuality and acknowledgement of it's power to conform, lays the foundation for our core principles – because it serves so well as a marker for self-managed integrity. However, being on time, shouldn't be the sole focus in our 'do-right' rule book.

A Reason For Doing Right

Being in a set place and at a predetermined time when we say we will be there – all activated through thought processes with the rationale to take the appropriate action – sits shallowly within the many complex layers forming our 'higher' active/reactive thought processes. Just as a simple alarm clock merely ticks, the process of setting a time to adhere to, is simply the basic action leading up to the formative moment.

Residing deeper within our core, is the superior intelligence and defining characteristics for making us dependable beings. At the heart of this place, we have courage and honour sitting side by side and interweaving the concept of what actually defines being reliable. It's not just the fact of being punctual, but the reasons for doing the right thing, that are of key importance. For, if one can be depended upon to turn up, even if, unexpectedly, against the odds or at times most forgivably, off schedule or running late – then, we have a 'golden' measure of character.

As clunky, quirky, off-kilter and unconventional beings go, the person who never lets you down – albeit maybe not always around as scheduled, but there when most needed – these are the people to be counted on one hand as your friends. And if we are really lucky, these are the life's co-pilots we all seek and should aim for being ourselves.

Purposeful Punctuality

COMMITTING TO TIME

Punctuality is commitment and self-discipline combined. It's a key indicator for measuring our awareness of time, will to act on decisions and reliability to deliver. Saying what we mean and doing what we say, are the basic elements required to live a true and purposeful life.

Time commitment is our master – commanded from, delivered to and received through the medium of punctuality – self-mastery in a mirrored form. In this regard, we should trust punctuality as a positive attribute to follow and adhere to. The affirmations we receive, after committing to a set time, should be based on our integrity of thought. It encourages mindfulness and consideration. When we agree to a time, we make a conscious choice first and foremost – a shared statement and agreement within ourselves before we agree with others.

So, how important is punctuality – for how can we define a person that is always late...are they not the lowest character type – self-deceiver, an inconsiderate, untrustworthy and unreliable person – a liar to each and all?

“Punctuality is not about being on time — it is basically about respecting your own commitments.”

Changing the way we perform, removing bad habits and replacing damaging behaviours with new beneficial ones, all stem from within. We are the masters of our own universe. We are the ones making the decisions. We are the ones getting up early in the morning, choosing what to eat, carrying out an exercise routine and planning out our day. We are also the reasons we fail, more often than not, by ignoring this very basic, but powerful indicator of time commitment, where honesty and integrity are expressed in their rawest configuration – Punctuality.

Determination

PUSHING FOR THE TOP

Determination is a cemented intention, a direction of choice and wilful decision, which gives us our purpose to achieve goals, even when the odds are stacked against us. Developing a strength of character, awarded and further strengthened through our taking the tougher, less travelled routes through life, will ensure we hold fast to our vision of success.

The Stubborn Mule
Making our minds up to embark on a journey, is the first step towards achievement. We can all take on greater challenges to push ourselves on towards lofty heights. And staying true to a tightly held belief or opinion, can come to mean many things to different people, depending on the individual and from where they are standing.

Following our chosen path can be honourable or it can also be foolish. For when our steely resolve to act on a decision, affects our wellbeing or those we hold dear, this grasping of an idea, with no clear benefit to ourselves or to those around us – transforms our determination into a stubbornness to relent. 

To avoid being stubborn for the sake of a mis-understood goal, we must be wary of the how, why and where an idea has originated from. For our beliefs in an idea, may have been planted or based upon another's set of ideals. Defending an ideology without first identifying the validity of the concept and from whence the roots were planted in our minds, is something we all need to be more mindful of when enforcing our wilful determination.

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”  – Steve Jobs

A Cause And Effect
We all have the power of choice – to do or not to do. We can question what it is to make both right and/or wrong decisions. The affect we have on others, is within our power to decide. We choose to act on or we are acted upon – it's something we can predetermine through careful, considered thought or allow to reactively occur in the moment.

Being conscious of our choices, is a step towards making the better decisions, for both our personal and mutual gains. The only way we can really make these decisions properly, is to start from a place of mindfulness. This means, we have to set an intention for the day, defining a clear focus on the way we'd like to approach the coming period of wakefulness and how we choose to act upon it. This can originate from the moment we wake or better still, set in motion from the quiet period before we go to sleep. It's in this period between falling to sleep and wakefulness, that our superior inner intelligence goes to work. We act on this subconscious reasoning the moment we emerge from our slumber and it becomes our base, our gut-felt intuition, which guides correct decision making throughout the day.

Making good, mindful decisions is very hard to do when we are absent minded. Unfortunately, it appears we are all being distracted in increasing ways, which are further contributing to a world mindset, whereby the clearly wrong decisions are being made over and over – even when the information presented in front of our eyes, is steering us to consider the alternatives. This lack of focus is what is contributing to a general malaise and it can be said that our increasingly poor decisions are collectively defining our current status quo and altering the minds of our future generations. How can we be so misguidedly determined in decision making?

Creating A Determined Mindset
In order to halt poor decisions from manifesting, we need to create space in our minds. This means some preparation is required for obtaining the right mindset. Bad decisions come from being absent in the process of thinking and this will stem from having poor sleep, making rushed or lazy decisions on the fly, possibly influenced by having a dulled brain. A combination of poor nutrition, ingesting intoxicants or through the very environment we inhibit – frenetic, loud distractions and information streams being channelled through subversive influences, contribute towards thoughtlessness. We need to create a new, productive and conducive environment from which to originate our intentions.

The nest step is to assess the mind-state and what we wish to achieve in this condition. There are times when our energy can be better used. First thing in the morning is when many are at their best. Acting on determination when the energy levels are diminished, is mostly counter-productive because we're so easily affected by the environment and its influences considerably more than we can control when lacking in energy.

Defining Thoughts
The very concept of determination not only depends upon a clear objective to act out, but on having the power of mind, stemming from a strength of character, which is built up through the ongoing evaluation of one's integrity, the application of continued self-discipline and complete honesty when disclosing the findings. Without the energy and preparations to act on intelligent, rational and considered thought, the determination to achieve, has no foundations to work from. Simply put – these qualities will stem from within us and all it takes, are our choices which we ultimately have control over, to help facilitate the change.

Task Of Toughness

STEPPING UP TO THE TASK  

When there's an arduous task ahead and a real need for us to step up our game to tackle it head-on, the fear of the task often becomes more of an obstacle to taking action than performing the actual task itself. 

We tend to dwell on the idea of the task itself, the potential discomfort and the time frame we will likely have to endure this feeling, rather than focus on the mechanics and tools we’ll require to accomplish our goal.

In the past, when my training for a long-distance run or cycle ride has been lacking, I’ve learned the hard way how to accomplish a tough task. I've had to endure discomfort. Fortunately, it taught me that no matter how tough the perceived task seemed before or felt during, the end result was always the same – I achieved the goal. 

And despite the perceived toughness of the situation being confirmed throughout the ongoing hardship – fully realised throughout the entire experience – the ending always, very strangely, results with an almost instant feeling of elation. What’s more, within a considerably short time frame, the memories of the discomfort fade out, to be replaced by the more pleasant memories of the task. What this means is that we essentially focus on the rewards when creating memories and blank out the trauma experienced.

Learning The Hard Way
In 2012, I took on a very tough physical challenge called the Raid Alpine. For me, coupled with my lack of training and lack of fitness generally, plus having recently come through a bout of shingles, the 6-day Alpine Raid, became an arduous task of epic proportions. Blistering 40° heat, gruelling hour-long climbs and 8-10 hour days in the saddle, meant that I was suffering for a lot of the time on this challenge. 

The first day highlighted my lack of tools for the job, like a slap of reality. Very early on, I realised that I had poor stamina, finding even the lower-grade hills taxing. I was last by a long shot, arriving at the hotel that night. I really was not looking forward to day two. The second day was, of course, more of the same, except there were no surprises this time, as I knew what was in store for the following ride. The prospect of going through it again, filled me with dread but the ride on that second day wasn't as bad as I'd actually thought it would be. However, the thought of doing double the distance and time again for the next four days, made me feel anxious. Although supremely knackered, I struggled to sleep that second night. Fortunately, day three went a lot quicker – I managed to adapt by zoning out of the thoughts that were flashing through my mind. The berating inner voice, chiding me for taking on the task without the proper training and with such low fitness, was subdued.

I distinctly recall reaching the half halfway mark at the end of day three and it being a turning point psychologically. Day four was our toughest day of the tour, with Col La Bonnette (Europe's highest mountain pass), featuring mid-way through the day. There were many cyclists attempting this one climb as a charity event and I recall being cheered on by the supporters near the top and thinking, this is merely the third of seven cols we had to complete that day! This was the fourth day doing this and I took comfort in reminding myself that we were approaching the 2/3 marker. 

Each day on the tour became a mix of dread and understanding, to the point where, around midway through the trip, I'd already accepted my fate, acknowledged what needed to be done to reach the end and knew I had what it took to get there. By the fifth day, I’d managed to stay up with the pack and was even looking forward to the last day’s ride. In a short time, I'd become used to the discomfort and overcome a lot of the mental torment. I knew that I'd be uncomfortable for a period of time and the end would come.

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.” – Mark Twain

I learned a lot about myself on that trip – likely, due to my poor fitness, a lot more than my super-fit bike mates did about determination. I now use this trip as a marker for what can be accomplished and for overcoming the mental barriers that crop up. Nothing has come anywhere close since. Each minute, hour or day was a measure against the one before and the accumulation of days meant I had six days of discomfort to measure against one. I therefore became used to the discomfort and it stopped being a problem any more. 

It's natural for us to veer towards comfort and being happy. Getting used to something that would be uncomfortable at first, will make it acceptable. By no means am I anywhere close to a place, where some extreme adventurers and athletes have taken themselves. Nor am I overcoming obstacles like some people with disabilities do on a daily basis, but relatively, I believe my realisation of the task to be endured and the sustained period experienced it in, have given me a tougher resolve. I feel greatly rewarded by what this relatively short duration of discomfort has provided me, a mental toughness for taking on challenges that others would not even try.

Start Tough – Stay Tough

Getting used to doing something arduous and uncomfortable, when there are easier ways of not doing it, this we call toughing it out. 

Anything worth trying for, worth putting the effort in, is worth doing, in anyone's book. And if it's something that many will want to have, but limited supplies/spaces are available, it'll be tougher to obtain with so much competition at stake. Therefore, we need to toughen ourselves up, purely to deal with getting what we want and dealing with the things that everyday life throws at us.

To keep ourselves from succumbing to an easier and more comfortable default, there's something that we should gift ourselves every single day, preferably at the very start of it – a shock of discomfort. Doing something like a tough physical challenge and learning how to overcome the mind's chatter while enduring the challenge, will help us to stay calm, react better in stressful situations using a rational mind, encourage mindfulness, and deeper thinking and help us express compassion towards others.

Commited Commitment

STAYING THE COURSE

We're all capable of so much more than we realise. And through an ongoing and continued program of dedicated effort, able to accomplish great feats of endurance by building mental & physical strength to attain desired goals. 

Unfortunately, what we lack, is the will and determination to continue on a dedicated program to arrive at our destination. In this sense, we can say that we lack, is the commitment. 

Committing to something implies that we are keeping an obligation with ourselves to complete a task. We are removing the freedom of action which we ourselves govern. We are the jailer and the jailed all in one. And that's how many of us see the roles – especially when we're restricting ourselves in some way or taking on a particularly tough challenge where there are easier ways out instead. Keeping to the plan, staying on track and doing what we've set out to do, all take strong will and a mental toughness. This we call self-discipline. 

Staying Disciplined

Self-discipline is very difficult to manage because we only have to keep on top of one other entity and that is of course ourselves. Being a manager and worker embodied in one, divides us into two. Therefore, we are diminished, hence why it takes a stronger resolve. We're having to work twice as hard on both sides and this can be draining – to the point where if any other influencers enter the fray, we are already battling against our other half and so, with the additional parties having collective powers on top of that, we fail time after time. That's why we need some leverage.

When I first made the decision to get out of bed at 5am every morning, in the freezing cold, I had to find some way of committing to my January pledge and for staying the course over 365 consecutive days. I needed strength of will, self-discipline, dedication and some way of sustaining this regime over a very long period of time, where my full commitment was required every single day. 

I managed to push through the first week of adjusting to chilly 5am starts and the first month was a real milestone too. But for the longer term, I accomplished this feat of completing 365 days of writing by getting more people on my side. I essentially found a way to have the weight of the world on my back! I'd pledged to contribute an insightful diary piece every day – it was there on my blog to see. By putting my daily thoughts up on the internet for all to see and judge, regardless if anybody was reading my posts, I felt that I'd be letting myself down and the whole world would be watching! There was nowhere to hide and I'd be held up for a fraud, liar and a letdown if I didn't deliver...

Maintaining Integrity

Lying to ourselves are the worst kind of lies. But we all do it and we do it a lot. Women tend to lie more apparently, but usually to protect another's feelings, whereas men tend to lie in order to boost their self-image and confidence. Sometimes they are little white lies (we don't really see our tired and ageing faces in the mirror as they are), sometimes the lies are much bigger – to protect ourselves from harm. We are mostly unconscious of these lies and the deceit runs deep. 

Regular conversation pleasantries, voiced when we don't mean them, are mostly harmless and help us get about our days. They fly from our mouths without being properly considered and they are gone from people's minds in an instant. We can backtrack, alter the meaning or deceive ourselves and others about what was really said. But when we lie to other people and there's clearly documented evidence of the lie – that's when we begin to face up to the truth. Lying to ourselves in this way, really becomes apparent when we address the potential lies every single day – which is what I had to do. 

Being committed to a cause, by staying the course and therefore retaining our integrity, are all character-defining traits we can strengthen through repeated practice. 

The next episode in this chapter is about how we manage to cope even when the challenges we face are so hard – it's centred around what it takes to achieve toughness. 

Mindfulness And Meditation

ENGAGING YOUR MIND

Our mind is our universe. Our very existence comes from the thoughts and outward projections of those thoughts, realised through our senses.

We are conscious beings and all outside influences will register, either picked up in our subconsciousness or consciously aware minds, as will the effects from those influences, be received through our nervous system and become internal influences on our mindset.

Without our five known senses, we would still be conscious, but without experiences, we'd be without a basis to measure reality against. Therefore, it must follow that anything picked up through the senses, ultimately becomes our reality. In this sense, reality is dependent on the sensory input we receive and because this is a constant stream of input, our minds can be wildly fickle. We can feel down, unhappy or afraid one instant and in the next, upbeat, happy and carefree. Our emotional influencers are going to sway our mindset and because our minds themselves are powerful influencers in determining outcomes, we need to be mindful of being in the right mindset if we want to have positive and beneficial ones.

We can be led by mindset if we allow this to happen. Frustrated, impatient and lazy decision-making, stemming from tiredness, hunger or elevated stress etc. – these mind states can be sustained for elongated periods of time to continuously feed and keep within the same frame of mind.

Mindful moments can occur early in the morning when the rest of our mind is still in a state of wakefulness. These clear mindsets are when we 'port' our inner intuitive and reflective thinking. Ideas and desires will come to the fore, unobstructed by the usual clutter of our awakened busy minds and the constant stream of distractions from sensory influences which contribute to this stream.

Systems Access

If we are able to access the inner workings of the mind, identify and repair damaged thought pathways and recognise that it's thoughts influencing mindset - we can understand that the thoughts are not what actually defines us. 

Meditation can be our system analysis tool for better accessing the internal workings of our minds. If we can give ourselves just a few quiet moments every day - preferably in the morning for setting up our day, quiet time in the afternoon for mid-day evaluation and some reflective moments in the evening for contemplation - we can monitor/adjust our minds through a process of actioning the required measures for attaining desired mind-states.

In simpler terms - we can keep an eye on things before they manifest into problems with serious consequences. 

There's a saying which goes something like this: 'Everyone who has a bit of free time available to them, should give at least 10 minutes a day for meditation and everyone else who's too busy, should dedicate at least an hour.' 

We all need to monitor our feelings and for some people, this is a very difficult task to do. Men are particularly prone to cover up their feelings, potentially through societal pressures to 'man up'. This usually stems from a premature period in adolescence and can be hardened through early 20's right through and beyond 40+. Over time, the effects of repressing emotions, can lead to depression which has even become unrecognised by the individual experiencing it. Meditation gives us direct access to the inner streams of information coming from the mind and through our senses. Observing this flow, helps us identify with emotions and counter the berating voices that can not only create anxiety but also destroy our self-worth. 

So much self-improvement can be achieved over a very short space of time, from investing as little as six minutes per day for meditation. 

Being able to access the inner workings of the mind in this way, can help us to understand reactive actions, change our approach to be more proactive and live a more mindful and therefore, purposeful life. 

Self Awareness

SELF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I can vividly remember the first time when I became self-aware. It wasn't my first strong memory from childhood, which was actually when I fell down the stairs at barely three years old. It was the first moment I really became aware of myself and being able to address myself from a 'wider third-person' perspective. The memory was not triggered by shock, pain or etched into my memory through other sensory experiences. The moment when it happened, was not framed by anything particularly significant. I was 6 1/2 years old, facing the full-length bathroom mirror and this was where I recall looking into my eyes and expressing out loud, how I was never going to forget being in this moment. My 2 1/2 year old brother was next to me at the time and I encouraged him to try and do the same by looking into his own reflection. I wanted to freeze time. I was trying to connect myself to the future and can still see my young face addressing me now. The vision is so strong that I can transport myself back to that moment in time.

Sure, there'd been other moments for reflection over the last 30+ years of my life, but nothing has really come close to that first experience. Never had I faced myself since (or anyone else for that matter), with such an openness of mind – an innocence and honesty, that children have. Not once had I really checked myself in the mirror or delved so critically into who or what I was – not until the end of 2014. That's when I made a firm decision to take back control of my life.

Self Analysis
How often in our lives, do we take the time to analyse our thoughts, actions, habits and behaviours? How much time do we invest in getting to know what makes us tick? Why is it that our nearest and dearest, profess to know us better than we know ourselves? We are the best-placed person to know ourselves – yet many of us are absent from the job, trundling along through life with no pilot and no course set. 

We're lost. And if we've lost track of who we are, how can we get the necessary time to delve into our inner workings so we can wrestle back control and once again take the helm of this vessel?

If you've read up on how we deceive ourselves, you'll already appreciate that getting to know our true selves is no easy task. It takes a lot of perseverance, just to scratch the surface of who we are and why we do the things we do. That's why some people will pay for a specialist, to help us 'see' ourselves more clearly. I believe these specialists do a good job of aiding those who are really lost and I respect their work. However, they have taken the time to educate themselves – likely, because they intend to know what makes themselves tick in the first place. There's nothing stopping you and me from reading up on psychology and learning these same skills they have. Arguably, you will need the desire to actually want to do this and you will need the time. Both of these will come if the determination to face ourselves is strong enough.

In order to detach ourselves from self and observe at the same time, we need a certain mind-state. Our ego needs to be removed and the quieter side of our minds – the intuitive, creative and muted right hemisphere, needs the clarity of thought to bring the evidence of our being out into the light. From here we can truly see and try to understand ourselves from a rational viewpoint. But to get past the guards at the gatehouse of our egos – we need to get a 'jump' on ourselves...

The 5am Club
I actually have Gavin Gillibrand at Ultimate City Fitness and not Robin Sharma, to thank for this valuable tool. I'd been having some 1-to-1 fitness training sessions with Gavin, to try and get my physique back in shape after some injuries, further aggravated by stress, which had caused me to stop training. My physical inactivity, compounded by months of working long pressurised hours, further impacted by poor sleep and too much alcohol, had caused some weight gain. I was feeling low in energy and generally out of sorts.

Our sessions were an intense 30 minutes long. We discussed life in general, but improving one's overall wellbeing, and ways to achieve success, was our main topic. Gavin not only motivated me to train hard but also gave me the inspiration which was to propel me forward on a new life path. The 5am club really was my wake-up call. It was the 23rd of October, 2014.

Getting On The Wagon
A couple of years earlier, I'd been focussing on getting myself up, to train before work, because I'd recognised the benefits of utilising time available in the mornings. But it had been fairly sporadic and only really adhered to on a Tuesday and a Friday with any regularity. This schedule had been set up to allow for much-needed lie-ins on a Monday after a boozy weekend. The early Friday training session, was implemented as a way to curb any Thursday night drinking which could then potentially help curb the Friday night and weekend shenanigans too. It was clear I'd been wanting to make changes in my life for some time but hadn't fully committed. It was only after the suicides of my work colleagues in December 2014, that I made the decision to commit both to a period of abstinence and to early mornings. The two needed to run concurrently if there was to be any chance of success.

Solitude
Being on your own, for sustained chunks of time, is something many can't face. For those who yearn for peace, the idea of complete solitude is often better than the reality. I'd once considered applying for the role of manning a weather station in one of the remote north Canadian territories over a three-and-a-half month winter season, where you are completely cut off from civilisation. The role required psychological testing for applicants and with good reason too. Being left alone with our own thoughts for too long, can drive us a little nuts. Being mindfully aware of ourselves through group meditation, even just for short periods, with no outlet from our inner minds, can also have adverse effects, especially on those who have suffered trauma in their lives.

Alone With A Very Personal Assistant
Waking early on your own can be a lonely place, so bringing a PA along to help with the self-analysis will help. That PA is you. Just bring along the tools to write whatever comes into your head, where it can be channelled onto an actual or virtual sheet of paper. Be prepared in advance, so you can start immediately. The mind should be blank – well at least, the part of your mind that makes a lot of the decisions throughout your day, will still be half asleep. Don't try to find the words, your mind will do what it needs to do. The words will flow from your subconscious.

The Day OF Revelation
On the 1st of January 2015, I had no idea what I was going to achieve from this exercise, but I had made a decision and I had stuck to it. I sat alone in the cold, dark January pre-dawn, with my fingers hovering over the keys of my computer and just let the words flow out of me. What came through on that day, has progressed my self-development ever since. Facing an empty page or screen at 5am, with the mind completely quiet, has opened a portal into my mind, from which has flowed thoughts I've since been able to analyse in an objective way. 

Through this process, I'd found a way to communicate with my other self – the quieter, honest and in many ways, better self. I hadn't really understood why this exercise was going to be so powerful on a conscious level, but looking back now, I can now see where the knowledge for achieving this result, had been there all along. I'd just not had the will to fully action what was required. I'd been distracted for so long. I believe we all know what to do. Yes, deep down – you know, you know – but you cannot act.

Life Is A Paradox
We cannot easily observe our life as we live it. On a quantum level, look at the double-slit experiment and the outcomes from wave-duality theory as a case in point for understanding the universe. Becoming the observer will change what is being observed. 

I first stumbled upon this phenomenon and other quantum mechanics theories whilst watching a BBC Horizon documentary in 2012 entitled: 'What is reality?'. Reality is subjective. Life is a mystery and delving into our own versions of reality can throw up some hard-to-take realisations about life in general. Being self-aware is our first step into taking control of the only thing we can have an influence on - ourselves. Self-awareness in itself is a valuable tool for making better progress in life, but without some dedication for achieving this state of mind and without the determination to action what we learn every day, self-awareness merely becomes a fleeting moment from our past.